(silently) freaking out about things like on campus recruiting (whut?) and being an adult person and having a real job (huh?) and wat did college even prepare me for omg because I haven’t been doing anything for the past 4 years (um? I think?) 

And why am I taking intro to macroeconomics as a 22 year old, I DON’T KNOW, OKAY?


September 2nd

yup, ready for fall even though the forecast feels differently



always seems like the second beginning of the year. I’m afraid of the time that it will no longer feel like something new. A start. A clean slate (or whatever other ~new beginnings~ cliché there is). 

This September is probably one of the numbered few remaining. 

I feel eternally sad


I feel like I’m in the wrong place - like everything I did I regret immensely right now. I don’t know what to do now. 

flowers will pretty much eternally remind me of my mom and her gardens - at least I hope they’ll remind me of her forever. 

we used to have two huge hydrangea plants by the side of the house in MD

When I went to Boboli gardens in Florence, I had one of those scent triggered memory association moments (is there a scientific name for that? I’m sure there is) - basically sometimes I smell particular scents, usually the faintest smells, and I remember things from my past - like the smell of rain/grass and elementary school days or flowers and my mom, or whatever. And whenever I see the freshly planted tulips in NYC in the spring or flowers anywhere ever, I think of the same thing. 

(via peone)

where things get sticky in the summer

I want to take this time to acknowledge the fact that I haven’t been thinking about the past very much lately and that seems like it may be more of a bad thing than a good thing, and then again, it may seem like neither bad nor good. And actually maybe more good than bad. I don’t know where exactly this is going. Sometimes I wish someone could read the things I write with the same intent with which we are engrossed in a really, really good novel. Where we pick apart the words and really consider what they mean in the grander context. The majority of my life, I felt like no one was ever really hearing what I was saying - and then people go around saying and thinking I’m really shy or introverted but the truth is I just don’t feel like I’m very important or that I should be heard most of the time. 

I feel really detached from the past and that scares me. Like I have nothing, no history, to grasp onto. I almost feel as if my memories have been very slowly dissipating and then suddenly, in the past year, without my noticing, decided to just *poof* disappear.